When You Don't Like a Patient...

"I bet I'm your WORST patient!" she said.

She's not.

She's not rude, mean or late. 

She's not entitled.

And yet, it's true that I don't particularly enjoy seeing her.

Now her reason for saying that she thinks she's my worst patient is because she stopped her medicine, didn't get labs done, etc. She won't get a mammogram or colon cancer screening. She's labeled herself "not a good patient," because she knows I might label her "noncompliant."

But my reason for not enjoying seeing her?

I feel sad that she only shows up for help when she feels sick enough.

She reminds me of so many women who only ask for help when things are "real bad."

For most of her life, she putters along, unhappy, anxious, and not taking good care of herself. And not expecting, or trying, or wanting anything more.

And those are the things I don't like. I don't like the DEFEAT that I see in her choices. I don't like seeing competent adults giving up on themselves. There are probably many (traumatic) forces that have brought her to this place, but for my part of it, it echoes times in my past when I didn't think things could be better, and people in my life that I've lost because they couldn't see better for themselves either.

And without their cooperation, without their belief that things could be better, I don't expect that things will change.

And again, I feel sad.

The good news though is that I can acknowledge these feelings that are triggered, and I can take care of myself, even if I can't do much for her.

Yes, I will treat her COPD exacerbation today. And I will be here when she shows up the next time, with the next problem. And I will let go (slowly) of the frustration I feel, because she isn't my worst patient.

She's just a patient that I want better things for.

And I'm just a human, mostly an optimist, and sometimes a doctor.

So, dear human, fellow physician, what about you? Name the feeling, explore the thoughts, and NEXT time, have a better experience, because you can speak kindly to yourself, and just know that you are human too.

PS When do I get the magic wand that fixes people?

PPS My human-self also hates when people self-proclaim things hoping that I will refute them. It's passive aggressive or something aggressive and drives me bonkers.