Tolerating Other People’s Disappointment, Distress, and/or Disapproval

Ok, this sounds miserable, doesn’t it?

As Physicians, we often experience people in bad circumstances. We see them when they roll into the ER after an injury, we diagnose their cancer, their heart attack, we hear their suicidal thoughts. And we were trained to “tolerate” this by putting our emotions aside, and being “professional.” That’s one thing, but what comes up most often when we talk about incorporating self-care into our days is the disappointment, anger or disapproval from others, especially those who are used to getting what they want from us.

Think about it; when you “don’t have time” for yourself, why is that? It’s because you have patients with expectations, employers with quotas and checkboxes and red and green judgments, and kids who just want stuff (yes, they need love, nurturing, food and shelter and attention, but they also want you to get them a jacket, but them a new toy, etc). AND when the people-pleasing parts of you see other people having expectations for you, most of you is believing that you “owe” those things to them.

In Good Inside, Dr Becky Kennedy tackles this topic head-on, and it’s what we need to do as well. Our conditioning to meet the expectations of others is at odds with us setting healthy boundaries in order to care for ourselves and get our needs met. This is where many of my clients get stuck.

“But I have to click all those boxes, otherwise my manager/chief gets upset!”

“When I set limits with patients they get upset and complain and leave bad reviews!”

“I can’t stand when my kid cries, so I just go and do it!”

Let’s step outside ourselves, for just a minute, and imagine we are talking to a friend. She is sharing all of the tasks she has at work to “be a team player,” including performance metrics, being “nice,” contributing to the potluck, and “not asking too much” from the MAs or nurses that are there to help with patient care. Then at home there is the care and feeding of the household, scheduling appointments, keeping everyone in clean clothes that fit ever-growing bodies, being available to play/read/”watch me do this Mom!,” loving attention to partner and pets, and keeping the house clean and organized. She’s exhausted and overwhelmed.

What do you say to her?

Suck it up?

You asked for this?

Why aren’t you better at this?

My guess is you are saying none of these things. And when she tells you that others get upset when she doesn’t try to juggle all of these things, then what? You’d tell her to get help, set limits, delegate, etc. Maybe there wouldn’t be a conversation about the discomfort of the other people, or how she is afraid of disappointing others. But that’s why she is afraid to take action. Not because she doesn’t know that these things would help. 

She’s afraid of the feelings of others if she doesn’t do all the things.

Give yourself a hug here if this resonates, and say it with me:

“I do not control the expectations of others, and it is not my job to always put others first all day, every day. In order for me to get my needs met, I will choose to allow others to be disappointed, inconvenienced, and/or wrong about me. I will acknowledge that this is uncomfortable for me, but necessary for a sustainable, balanced life.”

The next time you try to set a boundary or limit with someone, and you bump up against their disapproval, pause before you respond, and just notice that you feel uncomfortable. When we pause, we can create some space and then consider our response, instead of just reacting and soothing the other party. Decide what you want to do, as it relates to you, and your needs. And, listen or re-listen to the podcast episode “Urgent vs Important” where I talk about how our training conditions us to react to anything labeled “urgent,” even when it usually is not urgent (and related to the expectations of others).