The Courage in Consensus

boundaries comparison negative emotions Aug 27, 2022

Stone Statues of man looking distraught, woman comforting him by Inge Finnsson of Pixabay

How many times have you found yourself in a difficult relationship to another person? Perhaps it’s a patient that you can’t make sense of. Or a family member who rubs you the wrong way.

Have you ever tried to talk to them about the problem directly?

This is course isn’t helpful or safe in all relationships, and sometimes you there isn’t enough importance in the relationship to make this worthwhile.

But imagine the tension is with your brother, who has different political beliefs from you. And you both want to be able to attend holiday gatherings with the family, but it seems like every time you get together, there is fighting and hurt feelings. You care about your brother, and want to be able to see him, but you dread family get-togethers.

Have you ever tried asking him whether he is willing to make some agreements on how you can both be together and not both end up upset?

Perhaps you can agree that you both want to come to family gatherings, and you both agree not to discuss politics. What are the areas that feel ok to talk about, and what topics are off limits? Can you both agree to be polite to each other, even when you disagree on something?

This technique is useful in circumstances where there is importance in the relationship, and a desire to decrease tension on both sides. It is not useful of course for people who are flat out abusive towards you, or in relationships that are very temporary or very superficial.

But imagine that patient who is always late or always comes in with a list of 20 random items. Maybe they will share with you that they want to be able to tell you their list, even if they don’t expect you to address them all. Maybe you can tell them that when they show up late, you won’t be able to hear all of the items on the list, because there won’t be time. By being able to share what is important to each of you, you have the opportunity to make an agreement about what can happen, and what can’t happen. And when there is clarity about the boundaries, there can be less frustration all around. Truly.

It can be difficult to be vulnerable enough to ask to have the conversation in the first place. But you may find that it gets easier over time, and that others are grateful for the opportunity to be heard and to understand your side of things better.

Because really, what most of us want, deep down, is to be heard and understood, even if others disagree with us.

Hi There!

I'm Megan. I'm a Physician and a Life Coach and a Mom. I created this blog to help other Physicians and Physician-Moms learn more about why they feel exhausted, burned-out and overwhelmed, and how to start to make changes. I hope that you enjoy what you read, and that it helps you along your journey. And hey, if you want to talk about coaching with me, I'm here for that too! I offer a free 1:1 call to see if we are a good fit. Click the button below to register today.

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The Courage in Consensus

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